Love School Lesson #20 – The Secret to Happily Ever After
Today I’m going to talk about the secret to happily-ever-after.
You are probably familiar with the friary tale version of boy meets girl, or prince finds his princess and they ride off into the sunset to happily-ever-after. The idea is once you meet your soul mate, your perfect partner, your prince, love will be easy. The hard part of finding the right person is over. Now we can sit back and relax, basking in the glow of true love.
In fact, if the relationship doesn’t work out, you often assume you make a mistake. You hadn’t found the “one.” Then you go back to dating, searching once again, with the same belief that once you find the right one this time you will finally reach happily-ever-after.
With each breath of new love, happily-ever-after not only seems obtainable, it feels inevitable. But so often, you’re love seems to fizzle out just a quickly as it started. So, today I wanted to talk about why love seems to fade so quickly and if there is actually a secret to living happily-ever-after.
When you fall in love, being loving becomes natural. When your ventromedial prefrontal cortex deactivates as you fall in love, you naturally think wonderful things about your partner. That’s why you are so certain you have meet “the one.” You are also certain that will last. That you’ve found your happily ever after.
The problem begins when your brain comes back. Little niggling thoughts start to surface. You start to notice your knight in shining armor has a bit of tarnish. And, your ever after, seeming a bit more harried than happy.
But there is a secret to keeping the happily in your ever after. Researchers looked at couples that were happily married for over 10 years. They looked at 40 different characteristics to try and discover which, if any of those characteristics the couples had in common. The researchers discovered was that there was only one that all the couple had in common. Which characteristic is found in all couples living happily ever after? It’s maintaining positive illusions of the other person.
In other words, even after decades together, they still look for the good in each their partner. Now the study said positive illusions. That means it may not be the absolute true. Our knight in shining armor may have a bit of tarnish, but the princess looks at shiny parts.
So what does that mean? That all of a sudden he’ll start picking up his dirty clothes off the floor, or overnight he stops snoring. No. Does it men his jokes get better or he remembers important dates? No.
What it means is that you choose to focus on the positive – to look for the good in your partner. To view your relationship as half-full, rather than half empty. He might not remember your birthday, but you focus on the sweet present he gets you after you start reminding him about your up coming birthday three weeks in advance. You realize he might not be perfect, but you choice to believe he’s perfect for you.
That’s the main different. We all have our faults and foibles. It’s when you can happily accept those less than perfect pieces in your partner that you can ride off into the sunset into your own happily ever after.
Next time, I’ll tell how you can reignite that spark in your happily ever. So make sure you subscribe either on my website at dawnmaslar.com or on my youtube channel at dawnmaslarTV so you don’t miss a thing.
I hope you enjoyed this episode of love school. If you did please share this video with a friend. And, I’ll see you next time in Love School.