Love School Lesson #4
Introduction to the four phases of love
Most people want a sweet, warm, tenderhearted love – the kind where the little old couple is still holding hands after decades together. But how do you get there?
This lesson is about the stages of love that leads to that type of love. My goal is to show you how you can glide through each phase effortlessly to get to and stay in life-long love.
If you ask people about love they will say things like love is a mystery. Or, the head can not understand what the heart does. The comments are basically saying that you can’t understand love. That love is complicated, confusing, and puzzling. Movies portray love as elusive and magical. Even scientists that study love have a difficult time defining it.
For the last four years, I poured over the latest peer-reviewed biochemical and neurological research on love. And, what I found was that the research studies were often conflict. Some researchers found lovers experiencing high anxiety, while others reported a type of euphoria, and still others a calm grounded-ness. None of these characteristics seemed to fit together. Yet, they were all called love.
No wonder, people say love is confusing and mysterious.
However, after immersing myself in files and articles for years, a pattern began to materialize. It was subtle at first. In fact, I had to carefully reread the research to uncover the pattern. But, eventually it became crystal clear. The reason people have such a hard time understanding love is because love is not just one thing. Love changes. It begins as one thing and changes overtime. It turns out that love actually follows a specific time course. This is great to know, because now you can track your progress or lack of progress.
Love has four very distinct stages. These are neurologically and biochemically different from each other. Because of that, you feel and behave differently at each stage. You may have experienced this yourself.
The first stage of attraction is that feeling of instant chemistry. Your heart beats faster, your palms sweat and you feel nervous. But this is fleeting, as you get to know each other, your feelings change slightly. You can become more anxious, sometimes to the point of being uncomfortable. It can move from being exciting to down right nerve-racking. Or, is some the feeling of attraction just fizzles out. However, if you continue to date and your desire grows, you can experience that deliciously euphoric sensation of falling in love. Everyone enjoys this stage. However, what they don’t tell you is that this stage is also temporary. But don’t worry; there is another, even better stage after this – a nurturing life-affirming stage of real love.
Over the next couple of lessons, I talk about in-depth the phases of love, which are:
Falling in love
And real love
That was the type of love I wanted, and the reason I did this research.
Here’s the thing. Falling in love is very similar neurologically in both men and women. But, the first two phases of attraction and dating are very different between the sexes. What makes logical sense for women during dating doesn’t make sense for a man and visa versa. That’s why love can seem so confusing.
When you understand what’s happening in each of our brains, that it can make finding and keeping love easier.
For example, there is a saying that you can’t help who you fall in love with. Well, that turns out to be false. You can’t choose who you are attracted to, but you can choose who you fall in love with.
Next week, I’ll begin by talking about the first stage of attraction. I’ll discuss the factors involved, including the single most important thing you should be doing if you want to attract love into your life.
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