Love School Lesson #14 – Why Men Disappear
As a love coach, I help women through the dating process. As part of one of my coaching packages, I offer something I call panic texts. That’s when a client has a question that just can’t wait until our normal coaching session.
Last week, I got a text that I want to share with you today. I have been working with this client for a few weeks now and she recently meet a man she’s very interested in. She had a few dates with him and the topic of sex has come up. On their last date she mentioned that she needed to be in mutually exclusive relationship prior to sex. That’s what prompted the text.
In the text she wrote, “I told him that I wanted to be in a exclusive relationship before I becoming sexual.” Dawn, that was 3 days ago. I haven’t heard from him since! Help! What did I do wrong?
Well the truth is Jennifer did nothing wrong. In fact, this is an important point. Once you bring up the subject of exclusivity you should expect some resistance. Why?
To help me explain we need to look at a study by the United States Air Force. In study the Air Force followed a group of over 2,000 service men. During that time they gave the men four physical exams, roughly three years apart, over a decade. What they found that the men’s testosterone level would fluctuate. When they investigated further they discovered it was a predictable pattern. A man’s testosterone would go down right around the time he got married and would go back up when he divorced.
In other words, when a man makes a commitment to one woman, his testosterone level drops. This is a big deal. Testosterone is what gives him his strength and stamina. Not only is he saying he’s taking himself out of the dating pool by being exclusive, he is biochemically removing himself form the dating pool. With lower testosterone he looses his competitive edge over other men.
That’s good news for you ladies. Because also as his testosterone level drops he becomes more susceptible to the effects of oxytocin the cuddle hormone. So now instead of running around, he’s quite content to say home and binge watch Netflex with you.
Back to Jennifer’s text. Should she be concerned? Absolutely not. In fact, his delay is a good thing. This decision is a serious one that should not be taken lightly. He should take a few days to think about it. If he has others goals like finishing a degree or starting a business his drop in testosterone can be devastating to his motivation. He needs to weight his decision carefully.
In fact, if a guy says “yes” to commitment quickly you should be a little leery. The drop in testosterone only happens when he’s honest. So if he says it fast, he may not be being completely truthful. I’ll do another video later that will talk about an easy why you can be sure he’s sincere.
So, what should Jennifer do now? I told her not to worry and not to do anything. Stay busy. Do things with friends. Don’t text or call him. Allow him some time to grapple with his decision.
If he comes back it means he’s considering it. He may try a few more times to have sex without the commitment, but just remain clear. If he’s ready, he will ask.
Jennifer than asked, “What if he disappears completely?” I told her, “that means he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I said “its not a reflection on you at all.” It just means he’s not ready for the physical effect that a commitment will do to him.
In fact, I had a friend who this happen too. They started getting serious and he just disappeared. About a year later he came back. She was upset and said “he’s crazy if he thinks I’d go back with him.” But once I explained the science of what probably happened to him, she decided give him a second chance. I’m proud to say they are together and are now talking about getting married.
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