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Love School Lesson #10 – Why you shouldn’t ask a man out.

Last week I had a woman write to thank me for my video on changes in dating as you age. In the video I noted that woman needs to signal that she’s interested, but avoid asking a man out.

The woman said, “it makes me think that I’ve been doing things wrong for years. I’m a girly girl but I think I’m a man in relationships. I like to pursue. If I like someone I just tell him and that’s usually all I have to do and the guy likes me. I have even asked guys out. I have plenty of dates but I have no idea how to find the right guy. If you have any advice let me know.

Well I do happen to have some advice. As I mentioned before, It’s a man’s job to pursue. I explained before that he has a larger pursuit spot. But, there is another important reason. Its something I call the opossum effect. As I’ve said many times, we are the prize. Even if we don’t know it he knows it. Therefore, when its to easy, he’ll become suspicious.

Think about the way a opossum survives. To a wolf he’s a nice yummy meal. But, when the wolf starts to chase him, the opossum doesn’t run away. He falls over playing dead. In affect, he is saying to the wolf here I am come and get me. So, why doesn’t the wolf eat him? Because a part of his brain says,” what a minute, something is wrong here, this it’s just to good to be true.” So, instead of enjoying a perfectly good meal, the wolf walks away hungry.

A similar things happens to a man. When a woman asked him out, she basically saying, “here I am come and get me.” And, although this can be quite appealing. A small voice in his head is saying. “wait a minute, this is to good to be true.” This gives him niggling doubts that can cause him to walk away just like the wolf.

Of course, not all men respond this way. I was on a webinar once with a male host. I mentioned that men should pursue and he spoke up and said he thought I was wrong. He said he would love to have a woman come up and ask him out. I started to think maybe I was wrong and I spent the next six months researching this question. But, I kept getting the same answer – men should pursue. That’s when I ran into this man again. I said, “how is the dating going?” He said, “great.” Then he flashed his hand. That’s when I saw the wedding ring. I said, “Wait a minute, you met and married someone since we last talked six months ago?” He giggled, “No I got back with my wife.”

That’s when what he said made perfect sense. He wasn’t really serious about a relationship he just wanted to have some fun. You see when a man is not willing to pursue he is not willing to risk fall in love. That’s tweetable. When a man pursues he builds up the neurotransmitters required for him to fall in love. So let me repeat that., because this is important.

If a man is not willing to pursue you, he’s not willing to risk falling in love with you.

So, back to the original question. Do I have advice for you? Yes, indicate that you’re interested in him by giving him a smile, or if you must, ask him a neutral question. But, avoid asking him out. When he has to ask you, you weed out the ones not willing to risk falling in love. And that will help you find the right guy.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of Love School, if you did please share this video with a friend. And, If you have a question you’d like to ask me please send it to and I’ll make a video for you.

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  1. Glenn
    GlennAugust 22,15

    That was really good. When he’s willing to pursue, he’s willing to fall in love. Yeah, I love having a woman talk to me, come up to me, that’s fun. But I’m always sitting back in those cases. It is easy. But for Godsake, we men need that sometimes. It’s a wonderful pursuit in the pursuit of a woman’s love but sometimes, and I’m glad you said it, it’s nice when a woman does ask a neutral question first.

    • Dawn Maslar
      Dawn MaslarAugust 23,15

      Glenn thank you so much for commenting. And, for the amazing validation!!

    THE SWEXPERTSAugust 25,15

    Interesting advice. I would have never thought about it like that.

  3. Raymond
    RaymondAugust 29,15

    Exactly right in my opinion. I’ve always felt that us men need signalling that you’re interested in us, because we’re highly unobservant at times.

    I think it’s a bit deeper than suspicion (being a man myself) – I think when the man pursues a woman she subliminally tells him she’s not easy and that you must respect her. When she “falls over dead” as you put it – he thinks, “well, this is easy” – and will treat every part of the relationship like this from then on. Basically he’ll take you for granted.

    Men will always take what’s handed to them on a plate, but they wont respect it as much as what they’ve had to spend months of hard work chasing.

    I agree there are always exceptions to the rule because there always is. But throughout my experience it’s always been like that.

    Great post I really enjoyed reading this 🙂

    • Dawn Maslar
      Dawn MaslarAugust 29,15

      Thank you Raymond! I talk to woman all the time about this, but it just one woman talking to another. So, when a man validates what I’ve said it’s huge! She can now see it’s not just my crazy conclusion. Thank you so much!!

      • Raymond
        RaymondAugust 29,15

        No problem. I’ve done a lot of introspection over the years 🙂 – As I say, I hope I at least help one person with my words and I’ll be happy! 🙂

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