Love School Lesson #9
Welcome to Love School. This is Lesson #9 on our series about love.
Over the course of the last several weeks, I talked about the four phases of love. Now that you have the basic background of the science, I want to start applying it to answer those burning questions you have about meeting, dating, finding love and keeping it.
So, today we are going to begin with a question that I got on my website last week. In lesson #3, I addressed the question, “Should a woman ask out a guy?” I said, “No,” because men are biologically built to pursue women. I gave several reason including that he has a part of his brain called the pursuit spot, which is 2 ½ times larger than a women’s. Because of our biological and behavioral differences when it comes to dating women are the prize.
Lissy wrote and asked, what if you’re older without a uterus, are you still the prize? Are you still pursuit-worthy?
This is a great question and deserves more than a simple yes or no answer. So today, I want to address how dating dynamics change as we age and what we can do about it.
One question I often hear is does dating change as we get older? This is an interesting biological question because a woman’s biology is intimately entangled with dating and attraction. In fact, the word menarche, which is the beginning of a girl’s menstrual cycle actually “beginning of men.” Men – men + arche –beginning. And menopause, actually men the stopping or pausing of men. In other words, historically, women and dating had a very specific shelf-life consisting of the time when her period started until it ended.
One of the main reasons for this is because when a woman ovulates she produces a little pheromone called copulins. When an ovulating woman walks past and man gets a whiff of this pheromone, it can be like a finger taps him on the shoulder and whispers word “sex” in his ear. All of a sudden this new woman has his attention.
So if a woman is no longer producing copulins is she out of the dating market. Absolutely not. Copulins can give a woman an advantage, but pheromones are only one part of attraction.
But, she may have to try a little harder to compensate. You see when a men senses copulins it has been found to give a boost to his testosterone level. That little boost maybe gives him that incentive to purse. So if she’s not producing copulins anymore she needs to boost his testosterone another way.
But she also faces another issue. As a man gets older his testosterone level drops. This can be a problem. Remember that pursuit spot we talked about earlier? It’s sensitive to testosterone. Therefore, as his testosterone decreases from age or from being in a long-term relationship, it can cause his pursuit to shrink. Now he has less drive to pursue.
Therefore, his lower testosterone, smaller pursue spot combined with her lack of copulins may produce a stalemate. They both want love but find themselves frozen on opposite sides of the room, neither willing to take the risk and talk to the other. It can look like a middle school dance with the girls on one side and the boys on the other, no one willing to make a move.
So what should a woman do to help Mother Nature along? The goal is to give his testosterone a bit of a nudge without coming on to strong. Why is not coming on so strong so important? Research shows that there is something even more significant than beauty and attractiveness, and that’s kindness and trust. Being perceived as aggressive can diminishes a person’s trust.
So you want to get his attention without being preserved as too forceful. At the same time you want to give his testosterone a little nudge. How can you do all that? Simple. Ask a neutral question. For example, if you meet a man at an event, you can say something like are you familiar with the speaker? Or, do you know what’s in that appetizer? Anything that gets you noticed and hopefully makes him a hero by answering your question.
The same applies for online dating. Don’t nudge or poke him. Instead take an interest. Read his profile and ask a question. But make the question neutral. Such as, I noticed that you like to fish. I’ve been thinking about trying fishing, do you happen to know any place where I can take a lesson? If he’s not interested, he’ll simply give you an answer, but if he’s interested, he may offer to give you a lesson himself.
Asking a question does two important things. It puts you in his field of vision, which is the first step. And it also gives him the opportunity to shine. You are already showing him that you trust and value his opinion. This gives him that boosts in his testosterone level needed to kick-start his pursuit spot.
Your work is now done. Now you sit back. You just made him feel good and soon he’ll being thinking, “wow I liked talking with her, let me do that again.” Pretty soon, he’ll be circling back around.
So, back to Lissy’s original question. Are women still the prize despite changes her reproductive ability. Absolutely, women are always the prize. And, is she still pursue-worthy? Absolutely again! But he may need just a tiny bit of encouragement in the form of subtle display of interest.
Lissy I appreciate your question. If you have a question you would like me to answer please send it to Dawn@DawnMaslar.com and I’ll answer it right here next week. So make sure subscribe and share so you and your friends don’t miss a thing in Love School.