Love School Lesson #13 – How To Stop Intimidating Men
As I’ve mentioned in my other videos, if you have a question or issue you would like me to address, you can send it to Dawn@DawnMaslar.com and I’ll create a video to answer it. As I tell my biology students, if you are confused or curious about something, chances are pretty good that other people are too.
This week, I have a video question sent in from Ally. Ally wants to know how woman can stop intimidating men.
Thanks Ally, that is a great question and one I’ve heard a few times in my workshops. Women will say “I’m can’t seem to meet men, I think I scare them,” or I’ve heard a few say, “I have several first dates, but I never seem to get a second. I’m pretty sure I’m intimidating them.”
So today, lets take a closer look at the idea of women intimidating men. To intimidate means to threaten or scare. The idea that these testosterone laden muscle men are intimidated by these usually much smaller and lighter women seems a bit silly. I mean what is she doing, pulling a knife out on these guys.
Intimidating is a word we use to avoid looking closer at what’s going one. We simply say, “oh I intimidated him then dismiss it.”
So what’s really going on here? There is usually only one reason a man gives up pursuing a woman he is interested in. And that is he thinks she’s not interested in him.
A man knows a woman worth having will take a little work to win. But if he picks up early on that his efforts will be fruitless, he will move one. He picks this up through subtle subconscious clues.
One big problem is that many women don’t even realize they are sending the “don’t even bother vibe.”
Normally in nature the female signals her interest in the male. We do the same thing. So if your signals are not saying come and get me. He won’t.
Your signaling can get inhibited for a variety of reasons. Two of the big ones are fear and habit. That’s look at fear first.
A man knows to woo a woman he needs to build trust with her. That’s what the dating phase is all about. As a woman dates she slowly builds oxytocin (the trust hormone) until she reaches that tipping point to fall in love. That’s why the number one characteristic a woman likes in a man is a sense of humor. Humor is disarming. We feel safe and comfortable when we laugh.
But if a woman is too guarded, he can see her as not ready for love or worse, just to much work and simply move on. In order for him to feel motivated to pursue, he needs to experience that rise in testosterone he gets when a woman is interested in him. It’s that little bump to give him the incentive to continue on.
The other reason, I noted was habit. Some women don’t signal receptivity because she has suppressed it some much that the “don’t even bother” signal has become her natural default. This is a problem particularly for young attractive women or women who have been a relationship for a long time.
Men are naturally attracted to beautiful women, so to be able to navigate life without stirring up to much interest, a woman may create a type of “not interested” or “I’m taken” game face. Her persona becomes devoid of any signaling. The problem is she can get so good at suppressing it, that she has completely forgot how to turn it back on. In fact, the more successful she is in the world, the more likely she has pushed this down.
So now that she is dating, she has trouble trying to signal she’s interest, causing him to have trouble picking up on it and staying interested.
How can she do that? That are many ways you can subtly signal your interest and there is more than I can talk about in these brief clips. But, here are a few of the more important ways.
- Lean in.
As a dating coach, I’ve actually gone out and in a few cases filmed my client as she dated. Recently, I had a client tell me she liked a guy, but her body language didn’t indicate that. During the date she was relaxed, reserved and very cordial. She sat up straight with her hands in her lap and nodded as he talked. This posture is perfect for you job,. But terrible for your love life.
- Smile and laugh
Some women treat a date like a job interview. I’ve watched as she asked a litany of questions to the point that the guy probably felt like he was being interrogated. She was so interested in trying to determine if he was marriage material she forgot to relax and have fun. Those type of dates are not fun for anyone. You shouldn’t even worry about the future during your first few dates. Just enjoy each other and let things flow naturally.
- Send a sex interest
Romantic love begins with sexual interest. These a those subtle clues that will boost his testosterone levels. Smiling and leaning in help signal sexual interest, but just to make sure he gets it. Try a few other signals, such as playing with your hair. Twisting or running your fingers through your hair sends a signal you are interested and starting to trust him. Tilt your head. This not only says I’m listening, it also exposes your neck, another sign of trust because the neck is a spot of vulnerability. And, finally use touch. Remember, attraction starts with your sense, so incorporating as many of the senses possible increases the attraction. You can do this by touching yourself. For example touch your ear of bite your nail. When he watches you do something he begins to image what it might feel like. Or, touch him. Touch his arm when he makes a good point or bush his hand if he hands you a drink.
Now what I’m about to say, takes a little practice and may feel awkward at first. Most of us have train ourselves to not do this type of behavior, so to start doing it feels weird. Its also one of the reasons I suggest women date for practice. That’s take a date with a man you might not be that interested in and practice the signaling technique. You can also practice smile while pumping gas or at the grocery store.
By incorporating these simple techniques, you’ll stop intimidating and start getting into dating. I want to thank Ally for sending in this question. And, if you have a question about dating or love you would like me to address send it to Dawn@DawnMaslar.com . Please don’t forget to share this video and subscribe so you don’t miss a thing in love school.